I came across this picture from Kununurra today when I was searching my hard drive for gross pictures of cane toads for an assignment and a whole bunch of memories suddenly flooded back from that trip. I did everything I possibly could when I got back to put as much time and distance between me and the whole experience because I just wanted to forget about it. I was so happy when I got home because everything I'd been longing for was in front of me and I could relish in the things that I took for granted.
But I have dreamt about Kununurra so much in the last few weeks. About the people and the experiences. I think about Robbie every time I look at the Akubra which proudly sits atop my stereo, I think of the rolling plains of El Questro when I hear Nick Drake, I think of the horrendous showering/washing situation every time I step steaming warm and clean out of my nice shower in my clean bathroom. But the dreams are where the small memories that have lingered show themselves. It has a lot to do with re-hashing some of the experience for assignments I've been doing lately but the dreams have got me thinking about the way things change and the way memories are so easy to push down. When this photo was taken I was so desperate to get out of Kununurra and hurry back down to Perth. I hated everything about Kununurra and I was missing home so much and I just couldn't bare it anymore. I was literally hating life, except for Jess and that horse. I loved that horse. It was beautiful and friendly and I would marvel at the way it interacted with people. We were unsure about the horse being so close to our caravan and where we sat initially, but it just wanted to be near people. I loved how an animal could seek acceptance from humans and genuinely make me feel like I was meeting a creature I could communicate with. I haven't had that since we got Hamish years ago and I realised how much I missed him. But now here I am, just over a month later, and I have Colin who is the most beautiful creature on the planet. Everyone who meets Colin falls head over heels in love with him because he loves people and he's like that beautiful horse in Kununurra. He just wants to love you. Colin is a huge change in my life, and my housemates', because we all have someone else besides our own self to watch out for. When he ran away a few weeks ago I have never felt so sick. And when he came back I had that bizarre angry/in love feeling that never makes any sense but I like the change Colin has brought about in our house, and in me.
I thought more and more about how things change and I started thinking about people and relationships and how you can be so sure about something and then things just stop and you have to re-evaluate what you were so sure of yesterday. I know its all a part of life, and sometimes changes are good, but its the hard ones that make you know you're alive. Painful change is intensely frustrating because time is the only thing that will help you reach the point at which you accept the change and you can healthily reflect on it. This picture helps me remember that even out of something awful and heartbreaking, new relationships and friendships can bloom out of change and that if you're sure about someone being in your life you should make sure they stay there. Even if the way they stay doesn't end up being the same way you envisaged from the get-go. Calling my best friend, my best friend last year made me angry and upset. Now it's a no-brainer.
These ponderings on change naturally lead me to thinking about things that don't change. Things that are stoic and reliable. This picture is a reflection on a stoic and reliable chap who laughs at me, takes care of me and who will marry me. Even when I'm wearing a satin tiger-print kaftan. Sometimes when change is too much and too fast and lots of things are changing at once its nice to come back to something that doesn't. And this is my doesn't.
Things have changed dramatically this year for me. Friends, relationships, ambitions, accommodation, expectations. Some of the changes were unbelievably and unconditionally for the better and I wake up every day in my room in Smyth Road safe in the knowledge that the change to come here was meant to be. On the other hand, some of the changes made me cry more than I've cried in years and I try my hardest not to wish they could all be undone, but all I can do now is wait for the time when I understand why they had to happen the way they did. There are certainly changes that I see as unnecessary but I suppose retrospect will do a lot to help me see why they were important.
But, somethings do stay the same. Somethings that I take for granted end up being the things that keep my feet on the ground while the changes swirl around me. The girls, the boys, day-to-day. It's only halfway through the year, but when I think back to halfway through last year and the stark difference between the first and the second half of the year I get tingles down my back in anticipation for the second half of 2011. But excitement won't hurry it up, so for now I'll just enjoy the rain, the clouds and the people every day who keep me rolling out of bed so I can see them.
(This was an epic ramble).
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